You are TOXIC - Do you know?

0:00 You're toxic. Look, I know you're toxic. The question is, do you know that you're toxic? If you want to grow and you want to get better, then it's my job to just be there and help you as a brother, and vice versa. So a lot of times we end up attacking, like we don't know how to communicate with each other. Hey, like if I can't even control how I talk to you, and I'm trying to help you, then how in the world are you going to hear the message that I'm trying to get across? But if I articulate it, it's going to be received.

1:04 after the show for guest info, all the links, bonus content, and maybe support the team, buy them a cup of coffee.

2:06 Let's get into today's content. What's up, this is Coach Carter and this is the Classic Man Podcast. I'm excited to talk to you guys today about the fact that you're toxic. Look, I know you're toxic. The question is, do you know that you're toxic? You've got myself, Coach Carter. Listen, I've been coaching, uh, at the varsity level, different sports. I've been a strength and conditioning coach, so I've worked with youth from all ages. I work with adults, being in the Army, and currently do some work in social work and just the development of humans. Frederick Douglass said this: "It is easier to build strong children than it is to repair broken men." So I'm working on repairing broken men still, because that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you just because it's a little bit more difficult. In fact, doing things that are difficult is what we're going to talk about today. It's not just me on here today. I have my main man

3:08 with me. I'm going to let him introduce himself to you guys, and just to give you a little bit about why he's here with me today.

4:11 all that. Yeah, so a lot of hardship, a lot of toxicity and all that.

5:13 be a real loss. Everything we're sharing with you guys is 100% real life. That's because you're going through real life, so I can't make up stories. I can't make up things and points or illustrations to give you a point when I can give you real life. This world is so crazy nowadays that there is somebody with a story somewhere. Now, here's what I can tell you: there is nothing that you're going to go through, or nothing that you're going to bring me or us, that we haven't dealt with in some way, shape or form. No matter what it is you're dealing with, whether it is substance abuse, whether it is domestic violence or abuse in that regard, whether it's bad in-laws, bad family members within your own family who are manipulating you or driving you towards certain actions or behaviors, or whether it was people in your life that exposed you to things that you probably shouldn't have been exposed to at certain ages, no matter what it is, we've either dealt with it or helped somebody else deal with it. And within that, we're going to talk about the ways to be able to cope, get through life and develop you

6:14 into the type of person that you want to be.

7:17 when I'm toxic, nobody knows me, nobody knows what I'm going through. I'm the only one here, you know? And so, yeah, you don't know what, how I feel exactly. But really, I mean, there's eight, eight billion people in the world. Somebody knows how we feel, for sure. But that's how I was thinking, you know? And so I would suppress my emotions. When I first came home, I couldn't cry. Wow. I didn't know how to cry.

8:22 Yeah. And that biggest thing would be, is I would detach, you know, from my family. And that's some, you know, them are the things that, yeah, that begin to hurt the family when you're toxic and, yeah, you're suppressing them emotions. Yeah. And you're disassociating with what's going on, so then you can't identify with what they have going on, right? So they're not able to connect with you on the things that you have, because you aren't talking about them. But then it also starts to seem like everything that they're going through, you just don't understand. You're blind to it. You don't feel what they're feeling about it. And so even if you are kind of processing it on your own and, like, kind of isolating it and putting it in its own box in your head, they don't see that or understand that or know that or feel that. So then they still feel emotionally ignored, you know?

9:30 When I'm dealing with conflict, I would shut down, okay? You know, so I just, I'm either not going to talk about it right in that moment, you know what I mean, or I'm gonna let you sit there, and then when you're done, we can have a conversation about it. And the way it came out for her was the opposite, where, because she saw certain things in her home life, and things always blew up, things got aggressive, things oftentimes got abusive.

10:33 didn't bubble over. So now by the time you get me to the emotion that you want to see, to feel validated in what you're expressing, I'm so far gone, because you had to agitate me so crazy to get to the point of bubbling up, you know what I mean, and bubbling over, yeah, that now nothing you say at that point is going to register to me. Like, I'm just, I'm gone.

11:35 we were supposed to be able to be back at the barracks, we had to set up ammo guard. So I filled in with as many people as I could to do the ammo guard, and I'm like, okay, just because, you know, these are my guys, it doesn't mean that I'm going to skip taking a shift myself, right? So if I'm going to do anything, I'm going to lead by example. So I took what I considered to be the toughest shift, you know, so that was supposed to be 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. And we were out having fun, you know, I'm not going to describe what that fun was, but we're off, you know what I mean, goofing off, just being able to rewind and relax because we finished everything we needed to do. We're drinking a little bit, stuff like that. And I knew that I wasn't going to be able to sleep before starting my shifts, because if I go to sleep at midnight, 12, 12:30, you know, I'm feeling crap.

12:39 mean, those things going on. So I get out there 2 a.m. to 4 a.m., cool, whatever, whatever, and the next set of guys did not wake up.

13:41 Right. Like, you just, for the moment, you had a little blue falcon there. And man, like everything that came to mind for me to say towards him, like, "Ah, you don't understand, I just," you know what I mean, and I could back talk, I could mouth off, but that's just not how we're built, right? You know what? That's what he said. That's what we get up and start to do. So then we take those things and we bring it home, and we do the same things to our friends and family, yeah, and they don't understand why. So like, I might know you, like something [inaudible] might want a, b and c, and so I might do it and never express why that was a bother to me in that moment, and now I'm pissed off or I'm having an attitude towards you, and you got no idea why I got an attitude towards you, right?

14:45 push that down, you know, but if I go into work, I'm sure you see me, like, "Oh man, okay, it just looks a little frustrated today," you know? It's hard for me to hide. And I want to be like, "Oh hey guys, how you doing? I'm just having a great day," but really I'm like, inside, I'm like, where's my coping skills right now? I'm like talking to Lord, like, "Man, I don't even want to deal with these kids."

15:48 good at this, and let me bring this example in. Like, if someone abused a dog, if a male abused a dog, you will see that then that dog doesn't associate with males, right? But they're just fine with women. Now, a dog can't verbalize why they don't like to interact with males, right? And sometimes kids are the same way, where something might have happened somewhere else and they may be associating something with you, but they can't communicate why or what that behavior is, right?

16:51 convey what I'm feeling.

17:53 is fuzzy."

18:54 but my oldest daughter, I'm beginning to tell her, like, "Look, man, it's not about anything you tell them," right? Because you're just talking to them, when you're whatever you're doing, you're just talking to them, and that doesn't matter to them. But what they see you do, right, when you think they're not looking, that's what they're going to do, because you inspire them, right? You know, and they look up to you because you're bigger than them. And the same thing with parents, man, as men, it's hard to think like, okay, well, you can think anytime like the kids aren't watching you, but our kids constantly look up to us, and that's what I've learned in my life. Yeah, you know, they've learned so much of what I had just done, not really about what I said, right?

19:58 guys driving around, you know, "I want to be like him." Yeah, you know, thanks. You know, that's just, it's crazy, and it's hard to teach a kid that, yeah, you know, understanding it's what they do, not about what they say.

20:58 it's true that we can have a fear of expressing these things to our spouse, because then how is she going to view us, right? Because she's still going to view you as manly? Is she still going to view you as head of the household? Is she going to start to undermine your authority? Like, these are things that go through men's heads, because a lot of those things that we say and those things that we communicate are often then used against us in future arguments, right? And I was like, "Man, like, I feel like I can't share with you because it's being flipped back against me," or if I do decide to tell you how I feel about something, now I'm controlling, you know, now I'm telling you what to do, now I'm manipulating you, and this or that.

21:59 went to a different school every single year.

23:03 right? And so what I learned is he had somebody he could turn to, and same for me. When I had situations, I could call him up and be like, "Man, just before I spazz out, or before I allow my emotions to control how I interact in this conversation with my partner, let me take a little bit of time, right, and just vent, sort my thoughts, and then bring together, right, a cohesive set of statements, right? Let me be able to organize what's going on in my brain." So that the same one person, and I've seen a lot of people, okay, I might not talk to everybody about what I got going on. I might talk to only my partner, and that's a huge thing. Like, I'm a very closed-off person, I'm a very private person.

24:09 men, for me, and I know that, you know, I say this a lot, people, women will be like, "Oh, all men are the same," right? And I'll be like, "Oh man, all women are the same." Well, God made us in his image. We bleed the same color blood, you know? So of course a lot of us can be the same, and of course generations are raised the same because of the culture, right? So, you know, the one thing that's hard is having accountability, because most of our life we don't have it, and especially for the younger generations where both parents are at work now trying to survive. Yeah, inflation. There's no real accountability at the house except for electronics, right? And so if we've never had someone that's, account that to hold us accountable, that change, man. Yeah, you're not gonna, you're not gonna, like, whatever. Yeah, to tell

25:12 you. Well, whoever holds you accountable, you may not like whatever they're gonna have to say, that's for sure, you know?

26:14 me and I start attacking you about how you're dealing with it, you're not going to come to me again.

27:14 was like the peak of the war.

28:16 just got out of a relationship, man. This was crazy. While I was out at training in California, no signal, no electricity, no running water, I get a text.

29:17 dangerous."

30:20 stopped to get gas, you know, she was still there. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna stop and get something to eat, right, you know what I mean? You still there? I drove 50 more minutes from that point and arrived at your house before you arrived at your house. Yeah, to me, that's crazy, right? So I still didn't say anything, you know, I'm filing this away in my brain. And then one other time, where, like, I had to go out of town, I only had a few hours this time, she was driving down and she was like an hour late. And I'm like, all right, listen, I'm gonna say this as kind as I possibly can. This is exactly how I said it to her, this is as kind as I possibly can. But, you know, this is kind of like the third time that you've kind of not cared about the timing of things, and what that communicates to me is that you don't value my time, and you don't care about our time together, and, like, just that I'm a low priority for you. Yeah, that's what that communicates to me, and that's what I told her. Like, this is how that comes across, I

31:20 didn't say anything negative about her. I didn't yell at her, I didn't raise my voice, you know what I mean, none of the above. But even saying it that direct, then later she used that, saying, like, that was controlling.

32:25 one thing that I feel is really hard, especially coming from being an infantry soldier, we like to react to contact, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

33:27 with my wife. Yeah, so I'm like, all right God, I got you. Yeah, so now I'm like, all right, well, now I have to just tell her, "Look, man, if we're going to do a photography session, dude, we got to be there early." Right, you know, and most people don't know how much time photography's really got to be there early, like, you know, if it's a big event, I want to be there three hours before. It's a lot. And then to keep, you know, especially with women, you know, I got to put my face on nowadays, the culture of it, you know, they watch so much entertainment that I got to look like this, and if not, I'm gonna body shame myself, right? You know, and then to try to keep her on time, man, all right, so that's really been teaching me, man, all right, how do I communicate healthier?

34:30 stop cursing. It's coming from a line unit, every other word, literally, right? F, f, f, f, f. And so now I'm like, all right, if I say that, what do you think my youngest daughter's gonna say? She's gonna sound like a sailor.

35:31 then I'm used to saying that to my Joes, like, "Hey, what the is going on?" Right, you know, and everybody's eyes snap right to me.

36:34 You know, but this is one of those moments where I really need you to show up for me because of how important this is, you know?" And having those moments where you can say, "Hey," even with kids, as you start to teach time and place, they understand when it's okay to be loud, and I don't always stop the kids from being loud and playing around. It's like, man, you're a kid, you're not going to be quiet, right?

37:35 him know it's okay for you to progress, because nowadays you say the wrong thing around the wrong person, and now it's an IG complaint, is paperwork, is this or that. And I'm like, "Man, like with other types of things, you like, let's just go ahead and have a conversation, right? These jokes are cool." He's like, "Yeah, now normally, until I get to know you, or until I kind of feel the situation out, like, I kind of stay away from these types of jokes, you know, especially the dark humor, this or that." And I'm like, "Man, full send, like, it's cool." Like, I gave him permission to be able to full send. But we have to recognize in other areas of our lives as well, finances. If you're saving up for something, then this is not the time or place for you to blow money. Whether it's, you know, you got a lot of soldiers that vape.

38:37 of her self-awareness. Because she could have said, you know, "Getting the next rank is all on me, I gotta do this, this is something that I need, I don't need any help," and she could have been lonely in it, she could have felt isolated in it, and that could have led to her inability to cope with the fact that she continued to fail her PT test, right? But instead she had a moment of vulnerability. She said, "Look, this is a situation I've been having. I see you're out here running every day, I know you look out for all of your soldiers. Is it cool if I come out here and run? Would you work with me?" I'm like, "Of course I'm gonna work with you. You gave me an opportunity to keep you from being alone." Yeah, and because of that, we can lock in, we can get it done. So she's like, "All right, I'm gonna stop vaping." Cool. She stopped vaping for about a week.

39:39 get through a lap without stopping, man. So you can't get through one lap without stopping, you might need to put the vape down for a little while.

40:40 what that tells me is you don't want it bad enough, bro. I could do that right now. I can, you know, I could sit, I could sit for a month and do that. I think the fastest I would, fastest two mile I've had was like 13 minutes in my career, man.

41:40 sometimes you have to give up something you love for something you love a little bit more, man, you know?

42:44 about that or not, it's how can you frame it, right, to put whatever it is that you do care about at the center of it? So I mean, you might want a better car, you know, and if you want a better car, what are you gonna have to do? Save some money. So you might have to get one less vape a week, you might have to get one less bottle a week, you might have to go to Chipotle one less time that week, whatever it is to be able to accomplish that goal. And if you have to print out a picture of that car, put it up on the refrigerator just to keep you mindful, yeah, about whatever it is, yep, or whether you need to call somebody and say, "Look, bro, I need somebody to make sure that I'm staying accountable and not blowing my money on crazy things, because this is my goal."

43:51 matter what anybody else said. Thanks. It's what I wanted. Yeah, when you really want something, that's just it. And you know, the thing I've always done, and I started it in the military at a young age, was, when I first signed up, I thought, man, what is it going to feel like when I graduate from basic? Yeah. And I thought about that. Yeah, and I imagined to myself how I was going to feel, and then the day I graduated, and the day I got pinned, and I got my cord, I was like, man, this feels even better than what I thought it felt, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I really believe that, just because the Bible, it put, if we have faith and we can imagine it, I believe for sure God doesn't just give us. He said he made us in his image. That's right, he made us like him. So if I have in just that mustard seed of faith, and I have faith in him, and faith of him, because he created me like him, yeah, I can do all things that are possible through Christ. For sure, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you

44:56 know, I want it. I was just actually listening to a preacher talk about that, and he was talking about how competitive he is, and he made the joke that, like, if somebody wanted either go outside and play football or play a board game or something, that he would have to decline, because he wouldn't want his members to look at him differently because of how competitive he is. But then he went on to talk about the fact that being competitive should be a byproduct of being Christian. Sounds crazy at first.

46:01 you know, a lot of people didn't realize that the disciples were more than likely teenagers. Me and McKay was just talking about that.

47:05 trust that you have in your teammate to execute their job, but also the fact that your partner wants to do his job well to ensure the entire team comes back alive.

48:07 over and do a remedial with him. And as much as I wanted that 50 out of 50, he needed some extra help and attention and guidance. And so I took the time away from what I expected to do, and I just walked through sight picture, sight alignment with him, because he clearly was not understanding how his sights were supposed to work, which he had only shot rifles, he wasn't an MP. So for those who don't know, the primary weapon for MPs is the M17, which is a pistol. Pretty much the SIG P320 is the civilian version of it. So if you've only shot rifles, I can understand the difference in trying to line up a much smaller set of sights compared to having a full-blown rifle in front of you. So I wasn't laughing at him, I wasn't making fun of him, but we were able to kind of sit there and walk through it, and I felt good at the end of the day. I didn't get my 50 out of 50, I got 49, but I still felt good at the end of the day, because he went from not passing at all, yeah, to hitting, so marksman

49:13 is the lowest, expert, what's the one in the middle? Sharpshooter. Yeah, so he went from not calling at all to hitting sharpshooter, okay, you know what I mean? And that felt better to me.

50:18 some people who know how credit operates and they still don't maneuver their life accordingly. You throw a new team member in, okay, they might understand the concepts of CQB, right, but the timing is off. Yeah, people got different speeds, people have different pacing, you know what I mean? And I might get used to the fact that you might be a certain height. I'm short, you know what I mean? So I know that he can pretty much post up on my shoulder, yeah, if I'm held back. And you end up with somebody six foot, you're not posting on his shoulder if you 5'10", 5'9". And that seems like such a small detail, but that's the difference between life and death when we're overseas, like, yeah, just those. And now you're thinking, man, like, you're out of your rhythm, and that little bit of being out of your rhythm can really change how many people come home.

51:18 who cared enough about him. And that translated to this last one, because a few of our guys went off, right? And so this was crazy, actually. We were augmenting another unit, okay? When we were done, we had our troops fall back under our own command, right? So you go back to your normal chain of command, all right? So then, because we still had a split, some with one unit, some with the other, I took two NCOs and I said, "Hey, everybody on this side, they're gonna report to you. Everybody on this side, they're gonna report to you. You guys are gonna report those numbers to me, I'm gonna report those numbers to First Sergeant," whatever, whatever, right? So cool, we go for a walk with the chaplain. On this walk with the chaplain, I come across three of our soldiers, okay? I called one of them, the highest ranking out of them, I said, "Yo, yada yada, I got no issue with you being out here as long as you're communicating with Sergeant So-and-so," not gonna drop names out here, "but Sergeant So-and-so, that you're out here. Like, you just gotta let her know." Now, I didn't ask him if he had already said anything to her or not, right? I gave him the opportunity to say, "You know what, I didn't,

52:22 but yeah, I'll send her a text," or, "Hey, could you let her know?" Since I'm talking to you, he tells me that he let her know.

53:24 supposed to be over them. Yeah, so I mean, you could kind of tell already from the way I told the story, they had never told her that they stepped off. And so, like, when he came to me and he kind of talked about the troubles he was having with keeping them in line, I mean, he was the lowest ranking out of the three of them and had been in the unit the shortest. It was like, "Yeah, okay, they weren't gonna listen to you, which is cool, but thanks for coming in and filling me in." Because at the end of the day, like, yeah, it's cool right here to some degree. It's not cool that you didn't listen, not cool that you lie, you know what I mean? But when you go overseas, man, and somebody don't know where you at, and you mess around to get blown up, yeah, yeah, don't nobody know where you at, right, because you fail to be accountable.

54:26 lie to yourself and then expect to be able to make progress in life, right? You can't lie to yourself and expect to make progress in your relationships. You can't lie in your relationships and expect progress in that regard. Even if it's about little stuff, we're not even talking about cheating and stuff like that, right? But if I can't even expect you to follow through on your word, yeah, that's gonna cause so many issues within the home before you even get to those external factors.

55:26 Man. Head over to classicmanpodcast.com for all the guest info, all the official links and bonus content. Also chip in, buy my cup of coffee. Let's be real, if we as men don't show up together, don't band together, we can't grow together. So check back here every week, same time, on your favorite podcast platform for the most up-to-date content. Don't get caught slipping, stay connected. We'll see you right here, Classic Man Podcast, next time. You