Men, Step Up: Accountability, Fatherhood & Ending Toxic Masculinity

0:00 We've gotten to the point as a society where it seems as though it's optional for the male to be present. It's not just the kid. It is also the partner, because that is the example that you're setting. That is the diagram that they have for their future. You're literally planning their future. And so it is your responsibility to have that self-control. And then it is your responsibility to check in with your male friends, ask them about their relationships.

1:03 That's also those one, two to three friends that keep you accountable and make sure that you're living to the standard that they expect you to live to. And we're talking good friends. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who also hold themselves accountable because you don't want to get advice from the wrong people. Joe Schmung. No, for sure. And your tribe, as you're elevating yourself in life, will find you. Okay. So most of my close friends have come from the gym.

2:03 But that's the one friend I've had. So, and then, okay, I moved down to Columbus. I moved out to Philly. I moved back to Detroit. So even as an adult, you know, I really still have just those few friends that I made either in college or down in Columbus. And those are the ones who we have that depth of relationship to say the things that we're doing wrong, but also know that they're going to hold us accountable.

3:05 Don't become more wrong. You can't accept that you're already wrong. Yeah. That's toxic. It's better to be held accountable and be right than to be wrong. Yeah. That's just my thought. It is. Or just be honest. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I don't want to be looking at as a liar. Like, you know? Exactly. And I haven't always made the greatest decisions. Yeah. You know? But... That's why we joined the army.

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5:11 in some way, shape, or form. For sure. But we have to demonstrate that and let other people know that, look, I'm not expecting you to be perfect. Oh, yeah. And if I'm expecting you to be perfect, then there's no way we're going to have an open and vulnerable friendship. Right. And within that, we have no room for growth or depth of intimacy in that friendship and with a partner relationship. Yeah.

6:13 Yeah. Because then it just, all hell breaks loose and it's like, you know, it just keeps going and going and going. There's the four elements. Okay. The four elements. And one of the things is that our thoughts are not impeccable or they have to be impeccable. Let me fix that. And as a kid, the example they use is if a kid is singing and the parent is irritated and is like, look, whoever band made this song sing it, I don't want to hear you sing.

7:18 sidewalk and the grass growing through it, that's the theory of our brain. And when the grass is like poison thoughts. And so the more them cracks get fed water, get fed whatever's feeding them, the grass is going to grow through them cracks and it's going to cover the sidewalk and it's going to look nasty. Yeah. And that's the same thing. And what they're saying with the kids, them thoughts penetrate because their thoughts are not impeccable.

8:22 that's going to become one of your core beliefs. So you're going to not believe in yourself in any aspect and it's going to be hard for anybody to convince you otherwise, because you've learned that in the home. and so I think that's a part of all of this too, is where your core beliefs come from. And if you have limiting beliefs, you know, those need to be changed and that's what we do.

9:22 makes a mistake and their first response is to get angry and your kid is, is receiving that in two different ways, right? Because first they're internalizing all of your yelling and rage, right? But then second, they see that that is an acceptable emotional response to something not going their way. Yeah. And they're processing and internalizing both of those at the same time. That's a lot of behavior. So then they're going to start exhibiting that and you're going to be salty.

10:24 and what you should protect yourself from. And I mean, that's one thing I didn't realize until maybe a month ago, the reason why we do all of the tables for our weapons quall. Oh, yeah. Right. And the reason why is to mitigate the risk because a range is an extremely high risk. Oh, yeah. So what are we going to do? We're going to PMI. Okay. Then we're going to do the virtual and then you're going to go through drills and then you're going to do battle, march and shoot.

11:26 there at 11, but I don't want to get there at 11. He walked, right? He walked three hours to a job interview. Dedicated. He left his house at 7 a.m. Wow. To walk three hours for a job interview. That's what's up. That's awesome. You know, and we think he got this job. Yeah, that's what I mean. If I was in town, I would have drove down and pick him up, you know, and took him to his job interview.

12:26 But I think, too, there's an understanding there of setting the boundary and teaching the boundary. Oh, yeah. Because dad set the boundary, but I didn't fully understand how to set the boundary myself. You know, so I learned that later on when I, you know, thought I was grown. But teaching that is so important. And then, like we said, being approachable. Like, I want to keep saying that because men, you got to be approachable.

13:28 Yep. But. You learn. We learn. I also have an extremely high emotional pain tolerance. Yep. Therefore, I stick around the situations that I should not. And I justify it. And I say, I accept the risk. That's literally a comment that I say to myself. That sounds like it comes from a woman. No. Is that a risk? It does. I guess. Is that a risk? Or is that just you have heart?

14:30 It would, you know, I'm going through, I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool. So then I graduated, got a good job, life's starting off, money's coming in good. And I'm like, okay, this next time I'm not going to run. Like if I find somebody that I choose, I'm going to stick it out and I'm going to be stable. I'm going to be consistent. Problem was I was stable and consistent for the wrong person.

15:32 I hadn't really seen them, but a couple of times show up to church. And the way that my style of teaching was, we'll have a large group, but then we're going to break into smaller groups and you have basically six to eight kids that you're going to be responsible for. So even though you're rotating, they're going to kind of see the same two to three people in their smaller groups every single time.

16:34 He OD'd. Oh man. Then I later find out that their mom who's there is not their mom. That's their adoptive mom. Oh wow. And she was the sibling to the dad, his sister. So it was really an aunt because both parents had lost parental rights. Now the mother was still alive. One day headed to prayer, the daughter told the aunt that she was going to meet friends. And she lied about it and actually went to meet her mother.

17:38 to that comment that he had made, was the person who seemed like the Christian version of their dad. I had no idea any of that was going on because I found out that night what that parental and family situation was like. And so I was like thrown into that. But from there, I was able to better understand how to be present for them. Having that constant reminder that certain people are always watching you and picking up on certain behaviors.

18:39 Don't play for five minutes. We're just going to come back in a few minutes and then I'm going to help you and we're going to get this going. He was like, I don't even need the five minutes. We're good. But instantly, he was able to just kind of snap back and lock in. And it really hit me in that situation. Man, you're making a difference for people that you don't see or that you don't realize.

19:39 That's six months to a year. Right. Yeah. And then at some point in that process, I recommend before that first year is over that you don't just show up to a couple of family gatherings. You need to go over there when the family is leisurely around. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you need to see what that dynamic is like with their parents or whoever it is in their lives. Right. Absolutely.

20:43 what do you think another female's in for? Right. You know, if he can't show his mom respect, how's he going to show someone that, you know, for me, I was raised in a really rough house, even though my mom was really rough, I still love my mom. Yeah. So I could see like, you know, you got to think about it. The child's developed inside of the womb, inside of the mother.

21:45 clocks and time and math and you have those hard conversations at the kitchen table. I feel like it's most important for dad to come in when you're first learning like basics of life and it's like schoolwork and whatnot. And frustration. Yeah. First and on. That's the most, most important. Yeah. Most important. That makes sense. Like in that age where you would make that transition from being super nurturing and getting everything you want for the most part, only kid at home.

22:46 At some point. Right. Yeah. And it's funny because this automatically brings up and I'm not trying to talk about any of our clients, but there's one person in particular in my mind and she knows better. Yeah. And she will tell you she knows better. Oh, yeah. But because she's babied, she knows that she's going to get away with it. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my goodness, you're not getting away with this.

23:48 You know, you should anyways. Your parents. Yeah. That's where it should come first. But I think that kids lack a lot of that now in self-esteem. They're not really getting built up in the home. They're maybe being corrected when they're wrong or they're being babied. Yeah. Right. But that doesn't really do anything for their self-esteem. Right. Right. Say that it's a single mother home. Mom's working one job, maybe two jobs.

24:48 Yeah. So whether it's having a father figure or not. But I feel like it's very important to at least have one person who's able to be there to help you. Because having a single mother who does have to do all this stuff and she's present in the home, she's there, but she's working on all these other things. Yeah. She's not there for the actual child. No. So moms need help. Yeah, they do.

25:51 It's hard. My parents lived four hours away. I had cousins in town. But I was in the suburb of San Antonio, so I'm 25 minutes away from all my family. And my family lives there in the hood of San Antonio. I really don't want to drop my kids off for a babysitter. And it's no offense to them. That's just, I love the west side. I love the east side of San Antonio.

26:51 That was me. I'm going to go back and clean the house, do homework, cook food, get you ready for bed. And moms do this daily. Oh, wait, don't forget about the doctor's appointments. Yeah. Yeah. Don't forget about the dentist. Don't forget that all three girls wear glasses. Yeah. So now I got eye appointments. Right. And I've never done this at a lick in my life because half my life I spent cross-seas are in the army.

27:53 Yeah. Really? Yeah. They thought I was, they thought I was going to give them to my parents. Oh, okay. And they were like, what? You, they're like, their expression was like, wait, you got your kids? Yeah. And I'm like, what am I going to do with my kids? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're my kids, man. Right. Right. Yeah. And I think that becomes a thing because we've gotten to the point as a society where it seems as though it's optional for the male to be present.

28:54 Yeah. And that's like the same as parents, man. You take one out of the household, you don't really have much of a structure there. You know, it's pretty much you, you're eliminating and you're very limited. Yeah. You know, and what, what that one person can do, whether as we know in the military, we have a battle buddy for, yeah, we're going to tear it up. We'll figure out a way because there's two minds to come together.

29:56 And, you know, when they hit their head hard enough, you know, they're going to learn. At least that's for me. If I, you know, I've walked past that gym crane today so many times, I smack my head. Now I know, like, all right, I need to duck down every time I get there. It's one of my favorite movies, The Lion King. At the end, he would, uh, he swings the stick at Simba.

30:57 But what does that, what does that look like? Like, have you guys had negative work situations? Like what? Tell me something. Enlighten me. Yes, I, oh God, I could think of a couple, some male managers that were super toxic, super ignorant. I think at times too, it's just some of the dumb. Yeah, where you at? To talk to you. They would say, one of them, I worked at a car and he was, he was funny, but he, he was toxic, you know, he was very toxic and just some of the things.

31:57 Yeah. In terms of making sure they feel comfortable in their workplace and their environment. Yeah. Feel safe. And he was a manager. Right. So at that, you know, it was kind of, I was just like, bro, what are you talking about? He even made some like stupid racial comments, even though he was like Italian, you know, and just like, I'm like, dude, what? Got that a lot from the Italians in Philly.

33:02 So honestly, I felt a little uncomfortable. Yeah. You know, the other one, I was a little older and I checked him real fast. Right. But that one, he made me feel very uncomfortable. The one place, I don't know if you guys ever seen it, a documentary on it. And that was on Hooters and how, how they, it's actually a problem and why they started to fall, just the degrading of women and the place that they were filming, the manager that was there, I mean, would just make some vulgar comments to these young ladies.

34:04 I would never want my daughters to work in a place like that, you know, because you're just going to degrade my daughter. Right. And where's the other like male staff stepping up? Right. Right. And having conversations and letting these young ladies know that like somebody's actually going to protect you. Yeah. And defend you. I've seen and noticed like male talking to a male manager, fired. You're done. They get in trouble.

35:10 Yeah. Yeah. Certain things are worth fighting for though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. That's why I like to be in a position. I have to be in a position to where I know that my income, my survivability is not based in anybody else's hands. Oh, yeah. I can go three months. Anything that happens to me right now, usually, right now I'm in a rough spot, but generally I can go three months.

36:14 I hear this phrase often. Well, I need to, like, just discover myself. Mm-hmm. I never lost me. Nah. Mm-hmm. You know? And it's okay if you lose yourself and it's okay to have to find yourself. Right. That's just not me. Yeah. Because who am I doing life with? Yeah. Right. Myself. I'm the person closing my eyes at night. I'm the person I wake up in the morning with. I'm the person I'm alone in the car with.

37:20 And so, people take that kindness that we develop for weakness and don't really know that, hey, man, we'll flip this right back on in a second. If you want to go, we cannot get froggy and leap right now. You do learn an extreme level of patience. Yeah. You know, we're trained, like, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, Muay Thai, boxing, wrestling. You know, there's a good bit of skill there that most people do not know or have.

38:29 Yeah. Right. Like, you can have your points of view. That's fine. If you can't hold that up. Right. There's no point. So, I was just going to bring it back to what we were talking about with fathers and being in the home and men and what they can provide versus women. And I was just thinking that, you know, growing up in the home, my father provided safety and protection. And though women are strong, and I consider myself a pretty strong, independent woman, I couldn't provide the same type of protection that my husband could or that my father could.

39:34 That's a social skill. That's a coping skill. You're able to ask somebody else for help that other people are like, nah, I ain't going to ask for help. I'm going to do this by myself. That's such a tough thing to ask for help. It is. It is. It really is. With that, though, the help that they would be able to receive from that father figure that's able to offer the support that they can teach to the children or offer any of the other things that they're supposed to bring to the house.

40:44 They're going to ruin it anyways. What they remember is the memories that I make with them. Yeah. And if you have no memories to make with them, they're not going to remember anything about you. It's not about the money. They could care less about the money. They care more about the memories. Yeah. That's. We do. That's it. Yeah. Having that person there. I will say that. That is memories, the thoughts, anything.

41:45 Move on. Pick up something that you would be able to do. Keep trying. Yeah. And as you're saying that, the one thing I can attest to for her saying that is it's not going to be easy. I've had to put in so much work and there's nights I feel exhausted that I just honestly I want to cry about. Yeah. It will eventually get easier. Yeah. It just takes time and it feels horrible because we've never done it.

42:46 Like it's okay to have that vulnerability. Yeah. I know we've said it a couple of times, but that's because it is so important. Yes. It is impossible to build those relationships and to be present with somebody without having that vulnerability and that accountability. Yeah. Messing up, it's going to happen. Part of life. But not being present. It's worse. It's worse. We have to step up as those role models. We can't have people out here feeling like that TV character, Uncle Phil, is the only person that they've had in their life.

43:50 him to his baseball games. I showed up for the, they had a like father family day at the dojo where he did karate and I showed up for that. Yeah. You know, and he wasn't my responsibility. You know what I mean? It didn't cost me anything to show up though. Right. Right. $2 in gas. Yeah. Okay. So what? I'm here. I'm present. He had somebody there with him. That's good. And man, like he cherished that day.

44:54 knowing you. Yeah. That, that should hurt you. That should cause a problem within your own mental landscape. Siblings. Yeah. Siblings. Yeah. Literally. Right. Yeah. All of the above. So do not rob somebody else of that experience. So I don't know if it's selfish. I don't know if it's scared. Yeah. I don't know if it's. Or lack of like, not like knowledge. Testicular fortitude. That's what it's a lack of. We look at a time where if you don't know something, you better learn.

45:55 whether it's families that I work with on the church side, I'm super involved family wise, right, is the ones who lack a parent, they always say, you know, man, even if there was nobody there, I knew what was right from wrong. I knew right from wrong. I understood the concept of right from wrong. But still, a parent is supposed to be there. Yeah. To tell you right and wrong and help you enforce right or wrong.

46:57 Yes. Somewhat trauma bond a little bit from the parts that we're going to cut out as well. But just being on this journey with us and allowing us to impact your lives, that's something that's important to each and every one of us. Yeah. We all do what we do to see you become a better version of yourself, to see your family be a little bit healthier so you can live longer on the fitness side, so you can live better in your own mind on the mental health side.

47:59 digital upgrade, hit me up. I'm at JumpCutKing on Instagram or head over to EGTUniverse.com. That's E-G-T Universe.com. And drop me a line. Also, show some love to Carter and the crew behind Classic Man. Head over to ClassicManPodcast.com for all the guest info, all the official links, and bonus content. Also, chip in. I'm a cup of coffee. Let's be real. If we as men don't show up together, don't band together, we can't grow together. So check back here every week, same time you're on your favorite podcast platform for the most up-to-date content. Don't get caught slipping. Stay connected. We'll see you right here, Classic Man Podcast, next time. Bye. Bye.