Triggered Part 2 | Fatherhood, Faith & Fighting Through Toxic Love

0:00 Yeah, especially when you got daughters like you. Yeah, yeah, you got the kids on you, you got the wife, hey, what are we eating for dinner, what's going on, this still needs fixed, and you got the other kid, hey dad, hey dad, hey dad, and I'm like, guys, I need 20 minutes to myself just to get my nerves under control. Yeah. Because it's hard, man, it's hard to come and, you know, you're trying to switch out.

1:00 And women tend to have an ideal view of things. Have you ever noticed that when we say something to a female, our perception of it is a whole different perception of what they receive? And I don't know what that is, but that's crazy. It throws me off. Welcome to the Classic Man Podcast. I'm Justin Kazmierczak, also known as the JumpCutKing. And before we dive into today's episode, a quick word.

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3:04 I didn't learn that from relationships. I learned that from counseling. Okay. Because as you work with couples and you ask a question, so the very first session I do when I work with a couple is I talk to each one of them individually. All right. Because each one of you needs an opportunity to vent and to say certain things without the pressure of whatever it is that your spouse might take in response.

4:05 Okay. And that helped me understand how to communicate within my own relationships because for so long, I thought I was communicating well, like I'm giving you information, but if it's not being presented in that way to where you can accept it and hear what it is that I'm trying to say. Right. Then where are we going? Yeah. Because I can't do my job, whether as a counselor or as someone in a relationship, if we're on different pages with what I'm asking.

5:06 Like this is a team effort. And then relationships is back to that, that team effort. If I'm looking to do what's best for us as a team, then I'm going to slow down. Yeah. I'm going to watch the way that I'm saying things to you. I'm going to watch the way that you're responding to me and be aware of those shifts. Right. Right. Because at the end of the day, nobody should know my partner better than me.

6:06 Yeah. I got to pick my words wisely on how I'm going to elaborate this to her. Yeah. You know, depending on the situation. For sure. When we're on our way home and we know there's something negative we got to bring up to the wife or the girlfriend, whatever it may be. We kind of have this chance to think about it and what we want to tell them.

7:08 to see you as that old version of yourself and the mistakes that you used to make and the problems that you had. So even though you're making better decisions or different decisions, and I like to say different because not everything necessarily is bad. It just might not work for our relationship. Right. And I've had that where I've had some people tell me, well, no woman will be OK with that in a relationship.

8:12 Yeah. Just how used they are to that person. I mean, if you've been with somebody for a year, year and a half, two years, it's hard to go back to being alone. Being honest, I was there at a younger age, although I knew how we were with each other where it was toxic. I had the toxic masculinity, especially after coming home from a combat tour, full of rage, full of hate.

9:15 Jonah situation, since you're not going to listen, I'm going to stick you in the belly of a whale. Yeah. And I stayed there for some time. Yeah. Until I learned and I found how to correct myself, how to cope, how to trust in the Lord and how to lose. Realize that everything I was doing was toxic. Mm-hmm. I couldn't just point the finger because she had passed away.

10:18 more sense to have separate homes where both parents can still be a part of their lives? You guys actually cooperate, you try to make it happen, and both of you guys are able to be who you need to be for that kid. Right. Because they are going to miss out on so much that they need if they're living in an environment that's unhealthy both for you and for them.

11:21 So I do try to stick with pride as the word for it. But because I know what's best, or because I'm the man and I'm in control, or because what I say goes, or because I lead the relationship, I'm going to handle the finances, I'm going to handle this and that. Next thing you know, your car's in their name, bank account's in their name. And so in order for you to leave, in order for you to do anything, you kind of can't on your own.

12:22 But then that bad moment happens again and you're starting all the way over, literally. And then you never get to that point. And, man, I have one friend. Oh, I'm so glad that we took it this way because I want to get to this aspect of the conversation. And she called me one night crying, saying that I have to leave him. She's like, I know I have to leave him because of your sister's story.

13:22 Right. And thankfully, she followed through with it and got out of that place. But the more that I've gotten to know, the more I've realized that so many aspects of her childhood and her parents and, like, the type of relationship that she had with them walked her right into dating that type of man. Yeah. You know, and we had that conversation where she needed something. She won't ask for anything.

14:27 It's on YouTube. It's a great book. But it talks about how thoughts are curses. And if they're not used right, they can become a curse forever until that person can learn how to break it. Because as humans, we don't have impeccable thoughts. Yeah. But we need to have our mind as impeccable thoughts. And the example they give is they give a child singing. And the parent is like, pretty much, hey, let whoever sang that song sing that song because it sounds bad, you know?

15:31 Yeah. They'll stay with it and think they have the most ugliest voice ever was. Yeah. And thoughts, man. Thoughts are so. Yeah. Man, it can be a curse. It can be a blessing. And I saw that in a bit of a different way where in college there was a girl who came in my second year from the middle of nowhere, Georgia. Right. And from this small town, she didn't really have like a large population of people.

16:31 So when she finally got to a big city like Columbus and you start to get that attention and you start to realize, okay, maybe everything people said isn't true or you want to prove that what they said isn't true, whichever way you take it or look at it, that wasn't in her brain. Yeah. But she had then such an opposite extreme response because of trying to accommodate for all of those thoughts that she had in her head growing up.

17:32 Yeah. Due to just not knowing how to process. And I've been in that boat where I have allowed triggers from previous relationships to and I thought I healed them. I thought I did the work. I thought I did this and that. But there's only so much you can do if a trigger is caused by someone else and you're alone. Yeah. There's only so much work you can do for it.

18:44 Right. Which nine times out of 10 isn't even where you're coming from. Yeah. It's just the way I'm seeing it because my body, my nervous system hasn't healed yet. But, and, and I was, I was going to say, you know, I'm glad you said that because of a big thing I think of that a lot of people don't think of these days are soul ties. You know, when you, when you experienced trauma in a relationship that you had a soul tie with and you're like, well, I haven't healed myself.

19:53 And you're creating a bond that is meant for something sacred. Yeah. So now when it doesn't work out because there was trauma, you're not realizing you're still connected to that person because you did a sacred thing. Facts. You know, and that brings, that'll carry into a new relationship. It does. And people don't realize it. And don't realize it. Sex for fun doesn't exist. No. It doesn't exist.

21:04 And that's something that I feel like we really do need back. Yeah. Because what I've realized in counseling and talking to people and working with people, and if you pay attention to this, you'll see it yourself too, is after you leave a relationship, especially one that you've been intimate in, a lot of times you will find yourself in that next relationship doing things that that person did to you.

22:08 Right. And so, okay, you think you did what you needed to. Mm-hmm. You didn't do that work. No. There's still a bond there that you forgot about. Right. And so, because you didn't break that, now you'll carry two, three relationships later. Little things that that person did. Yeah. That you start to hold on to. Little habits. Wow. Ways that you were done dirty. That. Never even realized it.

23:14 that the hardest thing for a male to control is his hormones. Oh, yeah. Especially these young, man. Like, you know, having kids, these teenage boys. Yeah. Bro, I guess I had to think back. And when I was their age, they'd be like, man, how did I feel? Yeah. You know? And man, yeah. It does. It drives you to different actions. It does. It changes your behavior. And how you know it's true.

24:16 Right. And you're so, I hate to use the word selfish, but honestly, that's what it is. Right? Yeah. So, you toy with people, you send them messages, you pretend to be interested, you pretend to care about them, you say this or that, knowing good and well, you have no intentions of it. Yeah. It's just that you want something in that moment. Right. And then afterwards, you don't care about the repercussions.

25:20 Okay. Yeah. But most people don't have that opportunity. No. And so they will allow themselves either one to get into a relationship with somebody because that's the person who shows them attention. Or two, when they're in a relationship with somebody, if anybody else shows them attention because they're not used to having attention, they will jeopardize their relationship for something that they feel will give them an affirmation.

26:26 Right, right. Guys don't have the opportunity of a roster. No, they ain't got a roster. So if you have a guy who's talking to multiple people and he takes things serious and he's willing to say, all right, yeah, like I'm going to cut everybody off. I'm not saying that everything is going to work out. Right. I'm just saying that there is at least a logical reason for you to assume that he's going to take things serious because he took those steps and said, look, yeah, I could have done A, B, and C.

27:32 makes you think I'm going to get into a relationship and then do what I wasn't doing when I was single? Right. That just doesn't make any sense. Right. None. But that's not how things go when you're in a relationship, unfortunately. Right. And then it just snowballs into situations that they had from their past, different triggers that they have, different trauma responses that they have. That can get deep.

28:32 And like, I do thank God for that. Um, but she brought a lot of those fears. She brought a lot of that hurt. She brought a lot of that rejection and pain into the relationship. Yeah. And I wasn't perfect because I brought a lot of my divorce, abandonment, rejection, my sister, Diane, mental health issues, um, drinking a fair bit at the time, all, I brought all of that.

29:35 to do life and the like goals and aspirations that we had and in the way we wanted to go about certain things. But there's no way, shape or form that I can say she was a negative person. Right. There was no way, shape or form that I could say that, you know, she didn't try to do what was best. Even when she didn't do what was best, she always came to after the fact.

30:37 I'm quick to be like, yeah, I'm cool. Yeah. You know, because I know it's out there. Right. And then I take those other elements and I say, OK, all right, these were the areas that weren't so great. And that's just because we were different. But I have dated people who had kind of these elements. Now I just need to put this aspect with this aspect and bring it all together.

31:42 top. The drill sergeant. Yeah. Walking around the bay. That's just wanting to haze everybody. Yeah. You know, and that's I'm not that toxic person anymore. I don't want to be right because then it's just going to lead to. Digging at each other. Mm hmm. And then I were gonna make digs at each other. And yeah, the fight's just going to get deeper and deeper. Thanks. And I'm trying to correct my kids from this, you know, so I have to be able to know, look, all right, I'm upset right now.

32:46 Yeah. Until the girl I dated in college passed away. That was my first time ever experiencing anxiety. Yeah. And that hit me as an adult. That can be debilitating. It can because I didn't know how to process it because I had never dealt with it before. Yeah. And so there were aspects of my life where it started to creep in. But in a lot of relationships, I'm like, no, I don't understand why you need a break.

33:47 You know, I feel that. And that's the exact reason why I feel like that's so necessary. And I've come to realize that it was so negative to the partner because it allowed them no aspect of being able to be, you know, who she was. Right. And everybody's different. I can't hold you to extreme standards. I can have standards that I hold you to. Yeah. And that's been a conversation that I've had to have a lot this year where you are allowed to have your standards and to communicate them.

34:53 But in order to keep you safe and understand what's going on, I would like to know what's you know, send me a text. Let me know. Open lines of communication. Exactly. Right. So and I had that debate in my previous relationship where, you know, she went out of town with her sister. Do this. Do that. That's cool. When you're on your way back, let me know if something goes down.

35:55 So that's no slight of my parents or anything like that. That mom, all of y'all, you know, love y'all. But grandma's house is where I know how to get to. But you can put me in Columbus, Toledo, Defiance, Cincinnati. I'm going to know my way to her house. You know, if that's not who you are, then you have to have somebody who is capable of that, at least in those lines of communication, you know, making sure that I'm at least knowing, all right, this is what we intend to do.

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